Monday, January 28, 2013

A Modest Proposal for Certain Assault Weapons

Anti-gun people like to remind us that when the Bill of Rights was adopted, the Second Amendment referred to muzzle-loading arms such as muskets. But tools for the First Amendment’s guarantees of freedom of speech and the press were equally primitive by today’s standards: a person’s voice within earshot of another person, a quill pen, or a manual printing press. Furthermore, delivery of anything written or printed was accomplished by human, animal or sail power.
Technology for transmitting writing and spoken words improved over time. In the early 19th century, steam began to power ships and railroads. The telegraph came into being about the middle of the century, allowing messages to be sent and received as fast as the telegraphers could click their keys. By the 1880s, telephones became available. In the 1890s, linotype machines began to replace the old printing presses. The use of typewriters was also beginning about that time. The early 20th century brought instant, widespread transmission of words via the new medium of radio, and by mid-century, television was common.
Although personal communication had become somewhat easier by the 1950s, it wasn’t until the 1980s, when personal computers and networking became relatively cheap, that an individual could easily send messages to a wide audience. Today, anybody with a computer, tablet or smart phone can send or publish his ideas to thousands or even millions of people. The founders of our nation never imagined the communication power that untrained, non-professional writers would have.
Our Founding Fathers understood the power of words, even though the dissemination of ideas was at a much more leisurely pace than today. In 1796, Thomas Jefferson wrote in a letter to Thomas Paine: "Go on doing with your pen what in other times was done with the sword." And we have seen the damage bad ideas can do. The writings of Marx, the ravings of Hitler and the repressive rhetoric of Mao led to about 100 million deaths during the 20th century.
Nowadays, a single individual with a computer has more power to publish ideas than the entire world did in the final years of the 18th century. One person can spread ideas to millions of people at the speed of light. Certainly, nobody who intends to use free speech peaceably needs the kind of power today’s assault-word weapons have. Therefore, I offer the following modest proposal of new regulations to ensure improved public safety.
1.     All computers with a processor capacity of 32 and 64 bits will be outlawed. 16 bit processors are powerful enough for law-abiding citizens to exercise their nonviolent free speech.
2.     Computer memory will be limited to 640 kilobytes. No person who intends to use a computer peacefully needs the billions of bytes available in high-capacity computers.
3.     All computer mice will be confiscated and replaced with government-approved battery-powered cordless mice. These will be limited to 10 clicks, after which the user must remove and replace the batteries to get another 10 clicks.
4.      Email clients must immediately be upgraded by the software providers to limit the number of rounds (recipients) to 10 per message. If the sender tries to send to more than 10, all addresses after the 10th will be removed. It will be a minor inconvenience for an email user to send messages round to 10 people at a time.
5.     Internet web site software must also be changed to limit the number of clicks per page to 10. This will help protect against those lawless users who failed to replace their mice with the legal 10-click limited ones.
6.     Users of smart phones and tablets must upgrade their software to the 10-click limit for their virtual clicking devices.
7.     Users of smart phones and tablets must also obtain concealed-carry permits to keep these devices on their persons. The fees, training and reciprocity for such permits will be left up to the states.
8.     All persons convicted of violating these new laws will receive a mandatory minimum sentence of 10 years and 100,000 hand-written words of contrition.
Because of the power of language, assault-word weapons must be restricted even more than others. The common-sense restrictions I propose clearly do not violate the Founders’ intent for the First Amendment. For individuals, this means hunting & pecking, and common-sense limits on clicking. These changes merely protect the innocent while still allowing law-abiding citizens to communicate with far more power than the Founding Fathers with their quill pens and printing presses. These unneeded, deadly, overpowered weapons must go!

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